Alright, so we all have that one dude that we used to be with, and every time we think about it, we stop and ask ourselves, “What on earth was I thinking?” Then follows a “Thank you, Jesus,” with a plausible praise break for some of us.
So, ya know what?!
Cheers to the sisters who walked away because they were courageous enough to admit that they were compromising and deserved better.
Big ups to all the ladies with his number on block because you know your time, mental, and emotional states are worth protecting. You're not a yo-yo!
Two snaps to all my girls who made an exit simply because they know how to discern reason, season, and lifetime relationships.
AND, to all my ladies who need a little crown adjustment, and a reminder of how much you’re worth, I’ll tell you this:
You are worth the wait.
You are worth your heart’s desires.
You are worth the standards you have set.
You are worth a commitment.
You are worth respect and adoration.
You- are- worth- it.
Here’s the thing-- a guy that’s not the one, is not a bad guy. He’s just not the right guy for you. Just because you may find yourself at a crossroad, questioning the relationship, or wondering why you didn’t see some things sooner, doesn’t make you wrong, bad, or indifferent. The reality is that you don’t know what you don’t know until you know!
So, here are 6 reasons why he’s not the one:
#1 Something just ain’t right!
In the words of Cedric the entertainer, “curl-not-quite-right.”
Before diving in too deep, we can start right here because in many instances our discernment and intuition are enough! We must only learn to heed to the Spirit, and trust our guts when something is off. Learn to trust yourself. If you find yourself going back and forth about things internally, or playing tug-of-war with yourself about him, that is an indication that there is a lack of peace and clarity.
Often times I'm asked how I go about making decisions. As a general rule of thumb, I follow peace.
For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace…
1 Corinthians 14:33, NKJV
Though love takes work, it should be enjoyable. Sometimes we think things have to be hard or that we have to put up with certain things in order to have a man. If he gives you bubble guts, and not butterflies, move on.
#2 He has no vision.
If he has no vision for his life then it’s highly unlikely that he will have vision for a relationship. This is most likely because he is not aligned with purpose. Furthermore, if a man who finds a wife, finds a good thing (Prov. 18:22), how does a man who has no idea what he wants, know when has has found anything at all?
I'm not saying that he has to have it all together-- none of us do. But, he should have something to invite you into, and be able to identify how you fit into the vision. Even when he doesn’t know HOW, he knows WHO. #Godsplan
#3 You love him, but…
...you don’t always have fun with him.
...he seems distracted at times.
...you’re not a “cheater” but you can see yourself with someone else.
...you can’t be yourself around him.
...he doesn’t make you feel safe and secure.
The list could go on and on! But, at the end of the day, sometimes loving someone is not enough of a reason to stay. Never stay just because you love someone. Love with no depth of connection, commitment, or fruitful commonalities, is fundamentally not a love worth fighting for.
#4 You feel like you have to compromise.
My advice is this:
Be 100% clear and grounded about your boundaries. Some guys are professional boundary pushers. If you haven’t decided for YOURSELF, how fast and how far you’re willing to go, and when, you may look up and find yourself in a place you rather not be. You may find yourself going with the flow of whatever he wants.
Be honest with yourself about what you REALLY want; you’re not asking for too much. You’ll short change yourself in the long run if you choose to ignore the deal breakers-- those select few circumstances/traits that you just can’t ignore. These are not to be confused with that list of things that you want someone else to be that you are not willing to be.
#5 He’s always making excuses.
So, you’re ready to take things to the next level; you all have even talked about it. Yet, that seemingly pivotal conversation is always followed by “BUT,…”
But, I’m really busy with work; I don’t really have the time.
But, I was hurt in my last relationship; I’m not trying to go there again.
But, I don’t want to force anything; let’s just see what happens.
But, you probably deserve someone better.
But, I don’t want to get married right now; I may be open to that later.
Sis, I hate to tell you, but at the end of the day, all this truly means is that he is not interested in a serious committed relationship with you.
Will he see you? Yep.
Will he sex you? For sure!
It’s time out for the “just above friends” situationships. Change your situation and do what makes you happy.
#6 He doesn’t draw you closer to Christ.
Last, but certainly not least...
To all my God girls: Any man that takes you away from God, His Word, His way, His standard, His best, is indeed, not the one for you.
Now, I’m not saying that this guy has to be rolling around in the floor and speaking in tongues to be a “man of God”. But, what I am saying is that your desire should be for a man who is ACTIVE in his faith. That means that he has an interest and desire to grow spiritually, develop himself in God’s Word and in prayer, and encourages you to do the same. There is a difference between a man who attends church and a man who is concerned about the things of Christ.
So, ladies, there you have it! I deeply encourage and challenge you to use this to assess your current and future relationships. Reading this may have even helped you learn where you went wrong in the past. Be prayerful. Be discerning. Be bold. Be courageous. Ask questions, and be open to the trusted input of others.
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Chicago native, Brandi Nicole Williams is an author, speaker, faith leader, and entrepreneur. Since completing her BA Sociology at DePaul University in 2004, Brandi has been speaking, facilitating workshops, and leading small groups for women and youth. Through this work she has demonstrated a commitment to equipping and empowering individuals to discover their purpose in life. Brandi obtained her Master’s in Theological Studies in 2012 and often lends her voice to matters such as self-worth, body image, and self-esteem. She also loves intertwining biblical principles with fashion, beauty, and pop culture. Over the past year, Brandi has expanded her reach as a personal development coach and consultant to communities, and organizations, seeking to enhance confidence in clients and staff. Brandi currently resides in Nashville, TN. She is a member of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. and proudly stands 6’3".
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